I must love Saturday Mornings

A wonderful beautiful morning is spent hating the rain. I jump out of bed and get ready for day with a shower. As I get out of the shower the dripping continues. It is the rain outside. My first thought is, ”crap I have to bike to bus station” Where is my phone maybe I could run and get my friend to pick me up? My phone is lost. I think it is down stairs, but truly I have no idea. I find my phone, I run out of the house with all my stuff ready for a fresh start. I get on my orange handled bike. I change gears to go downhill and my chain gets stuck. I take 5 min to fix my chain, and by the time I get down town the bus that I usually catch is gone, 2 minutes late. These occasions usually call for much disappointment because I am late for work. I am wet, and I am frustrated. I respond with sarcasm that ends up changing my whole perspective.
While fixing my tire and biking in the rain in the dark in 50 degree weather I tell myself I have a great life. I have a job. I am biking there. I have my health. I have friends that love me. I am biking in the rain, I love the rain. I repeat it over and over again as I fear for my life when cars pass me in the dark. Then I make it to the bus station with my discovery. I don’t scream, but I do yell loudly about how great life is. Then I bike around the bus station while singing a song I just made up. Of course I am told that I can’t bike under the awning of the bus station because I can’t bike on the bus platform, so I bike around the outside in the rain singing loudly. When I realize that this activity truly isn’t that fun, I bike back to the bench where my bus usually stops. I begin to read about God and his end time Revelation. With the beauty of life I sing about his glory. I dance around the station rejoicing in his beauty. The moon comes out from behind the clouds with a morning star. I can’t help but sing about the glory of God. These statements are no longer sarcastic. I am truly moved by God. I return to reading about the glory of the end that has no end. I get up and sing again about the glory of God. I can’t stop myself. When the hour turns to five after, I sit down and read until the bus pulls up. My antics of the morning are lost to everyone but the night watchmen at the bus station and the poor man who was walked up to sit at bus 6 bench while I was biking and singing.
As I sit and reflect, I realize how God planned it all out. He wanted me to praise him. He wanted me to spend some quality time with him. He used my sarcasm for his glory. He changed my attitude at 5:30 in the morning. Glory to God in the highest. Bless the Lord O my soul and all that is within me praise the Lord of hosts. Praise the God that can pull me from the depths and raise my soul. He is worthy of praise and honor. He changes the world. He is my lover that chases after me. He holds me at night, and raises me for the activities he has planned me to do. I don’t use an alarm because I know the Lord of Lords will raise me for my work. I have to be up at 4:30 when I go to bed at midnight. He will rise with me, because he watches me slumber. Oh Lord how gracious are you to such a creature. I am dust and you raise me. You breathe you breath into me afresh every morning.
After all my activities my usual bus driver tells me she is no longer leaving from the station Saturday morning but from the bus depot. I was not late. I just missed the connection. Glory be to God, because he connected me to him instead. Glory be to God. Your mercies are fresh every morning. Thank you my king, my lover, my friend, and my savior.

5am

5 am.

The world is asleep, and yet so vibrant.
Biking downtown means I go downhill which is so nice in the morning.
Some mornings I see the sun come over downtown. It is so beautiful.

This morning was different. I was biking down to the bus station at 5:14am and behind the clouds there was lightning. Oh I almost fell to my knees. I was so happy. I watched as the lightning lit up the sky behind the clouds like when the moon is out. Oh there was nothing more glorious. Then I came to work on the bus. As I rode for the 15 min ride to work. I got off the bus and just wanted to sit and watch the storm come in. I got back on my bike for the rest of the journey to work.


Lightning and storms make me feel so close to our God. He is so powerful. How could I think he does not have all of my loved ones in his hand. Lately I have been so downtrodden because my friends and family are either at war with each other, or they are having a rough time and they just want a hug. I want to help solve all their problems. I want to be there for them. I am being overwhelmed by the fact I can't help. I have had this issue before. The Lord told me to let him take the reins. He said he could take of the people I couldn't. I believe that. Sometimes I still think it is within my ability to help yet still what I can do never seems like enough.

I have never felt more comfort than I had this morning during the beginning of the storm. The only thing I could do was sing praise to him as the thunder rolled through my office.

I was reading this morning. It is called Chainfire by Terry Goodkind. The scene I read this morning was of this woman in a foriegn palace. She is fighting a war with the Lord of this place to end a tyrannous rule that threatens every living soul with slavery enforced by brutality in the guise of goodness. Self-sacrifice for those who rape and murder are the ways of this tyrannous rule. This woman lost the love of her life to this rule. In her loves last breath he asked her to kiss him. She had just started a relationship with this man, and they had not consumated their love because of the heat of this battle for good. She stood in the palace of Lord in wonder of the beauty of the marble floors. A bell rang out for their devotion to this Lord. She was already devoted to this man because of his moral fight. As she kneels with other people in the palace for the devotion, she thinks this is a waste of time. Then she falls into the rhythm of the chant, and gets lost in thoughts of the man she lost. She had not properly grieve even though it had been over a year since his death. She was too busy fighting against a huge army come to take away freedom. In the devotion she feels the warmth of the sun. She had finally been comforted after he lovers death. At the end of the devotion she finds out the entire devotion was during a slight rain storm. The sun never came out.

The Lord of the heavens and the earth comes to me through rainstorms. I feel his pressence most when lightning crashes and thunder rolls. His warmth surrounds me, and I sing.

At the start
he was there, he was there
In the end,
he'll be there, he'll be there

And after all our hands have wrought
he forgives

oh the glory of it all is:
he came here
for the rescue of us all that we may live
for the glory of it all
for the glory of it all

all is lost
find him there, find him there
after night
Dawn is there, Dawn is there

afer all falls apart
he repairs, he repairs

oh the Glory of it all is:
he came here
for the resuce of us all
that we may live
for the Glory of it all

oh here is here
for redemtion from the fall
that we may live
for the glory of it all
oh the glory of it all
the glory of it all
oh the glory of it all

after night
comes the light
dawn is here, dawn is here
it's a new day
it's a new day
everything will change
things will never be the same
we will never be the same
we will never be the same
we will never be the same
we will never be the same

oh the Glory of it all is
you came here
for the rescue of us all
that we may live
for the Glory of it al

oh you are here
with redemption for us all
that we may live
for the glory of it all
for the glory of it all
for the glory of it all

truly beautiful sky

I was thinking about the sunrise last night, and how I look forward to it every morning.

I feel that way about people. I love meeting new people. I love seeing people's faces. I am fascinated every day when I analyze their movements. I love figuring out why people are the way they are. It is truly majestic to see people and the way they work.

The oddity about that is that I get frustrated with people and the way they are if I don't analyze them. If I understand them, I feel less wronged by whatever is upsetting me. For me it is finding the humanity in everyone. That humanity is truly beautiful. As beautiful as the morning sky are these people's humanity.

Mechanized

Tear my flesh and sinew from my bones
Leave me out to be mechanized
Stamp. Press. Cut.
Stamp. Press. Cut.
My mechanized world is shuffled down the conveyer belt.
Stamp. Press. Cut.
Stamp. Press. Cut.
Why would I prefer this mechanized world to one of
Flesh.
And Sinew.
Stamp. Press. Cut.
Stamp. Press. Cut.
I only need to be oiled in this mechanized world.
Clean out my gears.
Make sure my tanks are filled.
Stamp. Press. Cut.
Stamp. Press. Cut.
I am not perfect.
I will make errors.
Parts will be made out of spec.
Stamp. Press. Cut.
Stamp. Press. Cut.
You have made me and I can only be as good as you made me to be.
You didn't think out through all the flaws I could have.
You had to let me run to find my flaws.
Stamp. Press. Cut.
Stamp. Press. Cut.
This is a world without feeling.
A world where my flesh no longer aches to be set free from its attachments to my bones.
A world where my skin below my chin no longer aches to be split open.
Stamp. Press. Cut.
Stamp. Press. Cut.
I am free to make mistakes here.
I am free to be fixed or left to rust.
I have no feeling one way of the other if I
Stamp. Press. Cut.
Stamp. Press. Cut.

Desert Restoration

Mountain Town

Mountain Town

Abandoned by their outcast owners, these cabins lay open with nothing but animals to keep them company. A community that depended on one another for Shalom in this tiny mountain town. “the havenots calling in the listless wind”

Homes unopen to the public. no eye to tread upon these broken floors, Nature treads where these sojourners once stood. She takes back this home. Daffodils sprout up over the dead and lifeless community like a welcome mat

This once domesticated mountain turned wild. A leaf falls on the roof with just enough weight to cave in the mountain town, bringing down the wood for food. The mushrooms take back what the hunters have stolen. They eat away the flesh of the town. Its skin is digested by the roots of the flowers that invite the bees to come by.

A new community thrives where these hunters once stood. The bears eat the honey, and hang around the mountains streams catching fish. This new creation out of this fallen community thrives like never before. Someone is looking out for them.

In celebration we return to this mountain town to see what comes from destructed domesticity.

Fire and Ice

Fire and Ice

Some say the world will end in fire,

Some say in ice.

From what I've tasted of desire

I hold with those who favor fire.

But if it had to perish twice,

I think I know enough of hate

To say that for destruction ice

is also great

And would suffice

Robert Frost

My memories lie to me

"Don't touch me!"

I yelled at my father

Why?

He is my father I should trust him.

My skin crawls at his touch

Why?

Shouldn't I be normal.

I should enjoy the touch of any man

My memories lie to me.

Something happened

Someone touched me before I could even remember

Should I hate this unknown man?

How?

How can I deal with something I can't even remember happening?

Who?

Who is to blame?

Myself.

My parents.

My God.

This unknown man.

Would it help?

No

Will this ever be fixed in me?

Where do I fit in?

I wasn't born this way.

I will probably die this way.

I physically want her.

I mentally want him.

Am I confused?

Or have I finally hit a point of clarity?

Questions that Ph. D's will and do ponder.

I am left to deal with the consequences.

God works in mysterious ways

The Air is charged with your presence

electricity that immobilizes my muscles

Your touch brings those muscles to life once again

I can go about my duties once again

You encourage those duties saying I have done well

I fall before you in great sadness

For I have said and done things against you.

I have wronged you. You pull me close and say

"It is all right. I love you, and you are forgiven"

I rest in your arms

You stroke my head to calm my spirit.

A peace beyond understanding washes over me

I am unburdened to serve

I leave your arms to go about my duties

as a servant

I try to always be serving.

My pride disappears when I serve

You encourage me to serve.

Even as my tears fall on your feet in great remorse,

and I wipe them off with my hair

You encourage me to serve

I want to serve you,

but also everyone I come into contact with

I have the strength and perseverance

to do so because you have given them to me

Thank you

My Love

Grace

I am a flawed person.

My arm is covered in tiny little hair.

The majority are not easily seen against my skin.

Witha closer inspection

my arm has hair that contrastes with my skin.

I may seem like a put together person, but

I like to control things.

I am a proud woman.

I am depressed.

I am violent.

I am suicidal.

I am broken.

With a closer inspection,

I am not a good person.

Thank God I have Grace.

maintain radio silence

Maintain radio silence

I walk along singing a gay tune

and notice you

maintain radio silence

I play the fool for a walk back

and follow you

maintain radio silence

you reluctantly open the door for me

I ask myself why do I

maintain radio silence

I have been in love with you for so long

but I

maintain radio silence

why?

you told me it was for the best.

I think a gentle hi and goodbye is ok

I don't want to

maintain radio silence

Free me from my cage

next time I will say hi.

I don't want to be your lover.

I am over thinking you could ever love me the way I love you

no longer will I

maintain radio silence

I am free

Angry

Have you ever seen steel magnolias.

There is a scene in the movie that makes me cry and laugh at the same time. The way that mother feels is how I feel.

I am so angry. So much pain from brokenness. I am just angry at it all. I have never really felt this kind of rage before. I squelch it out and then it comes back full on a couple hours or days later. My logic is not helping me. Usually I can dispense my logic to squelch feelings that are unnecessary.

I can a little bit with this. The oddest thing is that prayer usually brings it up.

Right now all I have calming me is my loud heavy metal music.

Dreams

I dreamed we were all together biking to get ice cream.

Of course we were all excited. You and I led the pack.

Then we got to the ice cream truck.

There were two men inside. They wanted to steal our money.

We took one of the guys down then you and I had a mortal combat with the two guys.

We won and had awesome ice cream to share with our friends.

porcelain heart

I miss you everyday.

Your name flows through my head when I pray.

I weep at my demise.

Who is here to pick up my pieces but the Lord.

It is like I was being held together by him.

The pieces of my porcelain heart are being glued back together.

Some are being held in place.

God gave me the glue.

I have to do some work for this putting together to work.

God holds me together,

but sometimes the memory of what happened shakes me up so much, I break apart once again.

I still miss you, and pray for you.

I am so glad you will never read this, but sometimes I just need somebody to.

Hit the Floor

Hit the floor running

Where am I going?

I don't care, I just have to get away.

too bad I am running from myself.

I can never get away.

Never be free.

Christ is to set me free.

I beg you then set me free.

I give you everything I have.

SET ME FREE.

As I lay chained never able to run away.

I dream of it

I can taste the wind.

Yet I sit on the floor of my own dungeon.

Powerless to escape.

Never will I be able to hit the floor running.

I am poor, broken, and weak.

LIFT ME UP.

Trees

A tree from far away looks calm

The leaves are uniformly leaves

The trunk is uniformly a trunk

As you move closer the tree becomes busy.

The bark on the trunk has texture.

The leaves are blinds that shade the sun,

but don't blot it out completely.

Then you come right up on the tree.

The bark on the trunk is teeming with life.

It is a city for insects, birds, and mammals.

The leaves have veins that accept nutrients

from the complicated network of twigs that run

up from the life teeming trunk

Silence

In essence it is golden

community in silence

lives more prosperous

because

in silence I support you

in silence I love you

in silence I sacrifice for you

There is no one important in silence

We are all equal

You are just as important as I am

There is nothing I can say that will ruin the

love I have for you

There is nothing you can say that will ruin the

love you have for me

Why then is silence so uncomfortable?

Trust

It is hard for me to trust you

It is hard for you to trust me

But

You CAN trust the spirit in me

I can trust the spirit in you

The spirit can move in our silence

The spirit speaks our peace

How often do we listen to the spirit at work within us?

That is why we are uncomfortable

We are not very good listeners

In silence we listen to be comfortable with each other.

In silence I listen to my savior

As I understand my savior

I understand you

because you are in relationship with him

Silence is my haven

I get to know you without conflict

And as we grow in Christ

I will grow in relationship with you

Silence is golden

Tattoo

Alright, since I got my first tattoo I have wanted another one. I have been planning out a new one. I really want it to be colorful and big. I want it to be on my right side. I also want it to do something with Joy. What is a colorful, perhaps asian, tattoo about joy?

Tenebrae

Today is the day we remember...

remember, that word brings up powerful feelings.

The act of remembering that pulls from the deepest caverns of the mind a flood of feelings,thoughts, and images.

Today we remember how we scoffed.

We remember how we screamed for his death.

We hated this man just to go along with the crowd.

Jump back, I never said those things.

I wasn't even alive in the first century.

I have never wanted the death of anyone.

Now I can't say I never wanted to hit someone upside the head for acting out of line, but I never wanted to end their life. I have always found life so precious.

Then I think about how my sin is a mockery of God.

When I lie, that is me spitting in th face of my God.

When I have lustful thoughts about the people I see, that is me beating the crown of thorns into your head.

My constant defilement of the temple of the Lord, my body, by making unhealthy choices, that is me raising the cat of nine tails high above my head to take the flesh from your back and sides.

When I break a rule that the authority you placed had made for my benefit, that is me yelling, "Crucify him!!!" in the court.

When I love something or someone more than you, that is me with a hammer in my hand. I bring it down like I am simply building a house. In reality I am nailing you to that tree.

As I walk with pride after something I thought I had done by myself, but you had truly done. I was just taking credit for it.

Lord that is me denying that I ever knew you as people recognize me being part of your group.

When I think there is no way my God can handle my problems, I am walking up to you in the garden, betraying the son of man.

When I gossip about someone to people that shouldn't know, I am mocking you at the foot of the cross.

So how can I say, I was not in that crowd?

How can I say I did not have the whip in my hand?

Lord today I remember how I scoffed at you with my sin.

Lord today I remember how I beat you with my sin.

Today I remember that you died for me even as I mocked you.

You saved me.

You forgave me when I didn't deserve it.

You are the king of mercy that deserves all praise.

You are my redeemer and friend.

Love Poems

Could I but see your face, my heart would leap within m chest. It would lift me to heights a little lower than the stars. Lord lift me, lift me. The words spoken from your lips fall on me like rays from the sun on a cold spring day. I could not live in this cold cruel world if your words did not fall in front of my eyes on my ears. I cannot survive on this spring day without the sun to warm my back.