Fire and Ice

Fire and Ice

Some say the world will end in fire,

Some say in ice.

From what I've tasted of desire

I hold with those who favor fire.

But if it had to perish twice,

I think I know enough of hate

To say that for destruction ice

is also great

And would suffice

Robert Frost

My memories lie to me

"Don't touch me!"

I yelled at my father

Why?

He is my father I should trust him.

My skin crawls at his touch

Why?

Shouldn't I be normal.

I should enjoy the touch of any man

My memories lie to me.

Something happened

Someone touched me before I could even remember

Should I hate this unknown man?

How?

How can I deal with something I can't even remember happening?

Who?

Who is to blame?

Myself.

My parents.

My God.

This unknown man.

Would it help?

No

Will this ever be fixed in me?

Where do I fit in?

I wasn't born this way.

I will probably die this way.

I physically want her.

I mentally want him.

Am I confused?

Or have I finally hit a point of clarity?

Questions that Ph. D's will and do ponder.

I am left to deal with the consequences.

God works in mysterious ways

The Air is charged with your presence

electricity that immobilizes my muscles

Your touch brings those muscles to life once again

I can go about my duties once again

You encourage those duties saying I have done well

I fall before you in great sadness

For I have said and done things against you.

I have wronged you. You pull me close and say

"It is all right. I love you, and you are forgiven"

I rest in your arms

You stroke my head to calm my spirit.

A peace beyond understanding washes over me

I am unburdened to serve

I leave your arms to go about my duties

as a servant

I try to always be serving.

My pride disappears when I serve

You encourage me to serve.

Even as my tears fall on your feet in great remorse,

and I wipe them off with my hair

You encourage me to serve

I want to serve you,

but also everyone I come into contact with

I have the strength and perseverance

to do so because you have given them to me

Thank you

My Love

Grace

I am a flawed person.

My arm is covered in tiny little hair.

The majority are not easily seen against my skin.

Witha closer inspection

my arm has hair that contrastes with my skin.

I may seem like a put together person, but

I like to control things.

I am a proud woman.

I am depressed.

I am violent.

I am suicidal.

I am broken.

With a closer inspection,

I am not a good person.

Thank God I have Grace.

maintain radio silence

Maintain radio silence

I walk along singing a gay tune

and notice you

maintain radio silence

I play the fool for a walk back

and follow you

maintain radio silence

you reluctantly open the door for me

I ask myself why do I

maintain radio silence

I have been in love with you for so long

but I

maintain radio silence

why?

you told me it was for the best.

I think a gentle hi and goodbye is ok

I don't want to

maintain radio silence

Free me from my cage

next time I will say hi.

I don't want to be your lover.

I am over thinking you could ever love me the way I love you

no longer will I

maintain radio silence

I am free

Angry

Have you ever seen steel magnolias.

There is a scene in the movie that makes me cry and laugh at the same time. The way that mother feels is how I feel.

I am so angry. So much pain from brokenness. I am just angry at it all. I have never really felt this kind of rage before. I squelch it out and then it comes back full on a couple hours or days later. My logic is not helping me. Usually I can dispense my logic to squelch feelings that are unnecessary.

I can a little bit with this. The oddest thing is that prayer usually brings it up.

Right now all I have calming me is my loud heavy metal music.

Dreams

I dreamed we were all together biking to get ice cream.

Of course we were all excited. You and I led the pack.

Then we got to the ice cream truck.

There were two men inside. They wanted to steal our money.

We took one of the guys down then you and I had a mortal combat with the two guys.

We won and had awesome ice cream to share with our friends.

porcelain heart

I miss you everyday.

Your name flows through my head when I pray.

I weep at my demise.

Who is here to pick up my pieces but the Lord.

It is like I was being held together by him.

The pieces of my porcelain heart are being glued back together.

Some are being held in place.

God gave me the glue.

I have to do some work for this putting together to work.

God holds me together,

but sometimes the memory of what happened shakes me up so much, I break apart once again.

I still miss you, and pray for you.

I am so glad you will never read this, but sometimes I just need somebody to.

Hit the Floor

Hit the floor running

Where am I going?

I don't care, I just have to get away.

too bad I am running from myself.

I can never get away.

Never be free.

Christ is to set me free.

I beg you then set me free.

I give you everything I have.

SET ME FREE.

As I lay chained never able to run away.

I dream of it

I can taste the wind.

Yet I sit on the floor of my own dungeon.

Powerless to escape.

Never will I be able to hit the floor running.

I am poor, broken, and weak.

LIFT ME UP.

Trees

A tree from far away looks calm

The leaves are uniformly leaves

The trunk is uniformly a trunk

As you move closer the tree becomes busy.

The bark on the trunk has texture.

The leaves are blinds that shade the sun,

but don't blot it out completely.

Then you come right up on the tree.

The bark on the trunk is teeming with life.

It is a city for insects, birds, and mammals.

The leaves have veins that accept nutrients

from the complicated network of twigs that run

up from the life teeming trunk

Silence

In essence it is golden

community in silence

lives more prosperous

because

in silence I support you

in silence I love you

in silence I sacrifice for you

There is no one important in silence

We are all equal

You are just as important as I am

There is nothing I can say that will ruin the

love I have for you

There is nothing you can say that will ruin the

love you have for me

Why then is silence so uncomfortable?

Trust

It is hard for me to trust you

It is hard for you to trust me

But

You CAN trust the spirit in me

I can trust the spirit in you

The spirit can move in our silence

The spirit speaks our peace

How often do we listen to the spirit at work within us?

That is why we are uncomfortable

We are not very good listeners

In silence we listen to be comfortable with each other.

In silence I listen to my savior

As I understand my savior

I understand you

because you are in relationship with him

Silence is my haven

I get to know you without conflict

And as we grow in Christ

I will grow in relationship with you

Silence is golden

Tattoo

Alright, since I got my first tattoo I have wanted another one. I have been planning out a new one. I really want it to be colorful and big. I want it to be on my right side. I also want it to do something with Joy. What is a colorful, perhaps asian, tattoo about joy?

Tenebrae

Today is the day we remember...

remember, that word brings up powerful feelings.

The act of remembering that pulls from the deepest caverns of the mind a flood of feelings,thoughts, and images.

Today we remember how we scoffed.

We remember how we screamed for his death.

We hated this man just to go along with the crowd.

Jump back, I never said those things.

I wasn't even alive in the first century.

I have never wanted the death of anyone.

Now I can't say I never wanted to hit someone upside the head for acting out of line, but I never wanted to end their life. I have always found life so precious.

Then I think about how my sin is a mockery of God.

When I lie, that is me spitting in th face of my God.

When I have lustful thoughts about the people I see, that is me beating the crown of thorns into your head.

My constant defilement of the temple of the Lord, my body, by making unhealthy choices, that is me raising the cat of nine tails high above my head to take the flesh from your back and sides.

When I break a rule that the authority you placed had made for my benefit, that is me yelling, "Crucify him!!!" in the court.

When I love something or someone more than you, that is me with a hammer in my hand. I bring it down like I am simply building a house. In reality I am nailing you to that tree.

As I walk with pride after something I thought I had done by myself, but you had truly done. I was just taking credit for it.

Lord that is me denying that I ever knew you as people recognize me being part of your group.

When I think there is no way my God can handle my problems, I am walking up to you in the garden, betraying the son of man.

When I gossip about someone to people that shouldn't know, I am mocking you at the foot of the cross.

So how can I say, I was not in that crowd?

How can I say I did not have the whip in my hand?

Lord today I remember how I scoffed at you with my sin.

Lord today I remember how I beat you with my sin.

Today I remember that you died for me even as I mocked you.

You saved me.

You forgave me when I didn't deserve it.

You are the king of mercy that deserves all praise.

You are my redeemer and friend.

Love Poems

Could I but see your face, my heart would leap within m chest. It would lift me to heights a little lower than the stars. Lord lift me, lift me. The words spoken from your lips fall on me like rays from the sun on a cold spring day. I could not live in this cold cruel world if your words did not fall in front of my eyes on my ears. I cannot survive on this spring day without the sun to warm my back.

Today is a day

Yes today I turned 20. It was a fabulous day with candy (not), with cake (not), with fruit (yes). I hung out with a fabulous boy.

Day of sun

Who runs to my side when I fall?

Christ

Who cares more for me than I could ever care for anyone?

Christ

Then WHY can't I trust him to guide my life with everything.

I will not be an RA

I will not be working in the SLC

I will not be living in project neighborhood

WHERE DO YOU WANT ME?

God when will I see the light. Why do I continue to wander in the darkness? I just want to know my future beyond tomorrow